The Strange Death of Joseph Egan
by William Anderson
As you are probably aware, Joseph Egan of Franklin Park died recently.
It is not truthful to say that he will be missed, but his death does give us a reason to reflect on our own lives, and to question ourselves what we are doing with the days we have left. In examining the peculiar circumstances of his rather timely demise, we can draw lessons from it and enrich our own existence.
So, to further that cause, I have taken it upon myself to use my investigative powers and resources in order to present you, dear reader, with a factual and hopefully thought-inspiring account of Joseph Egan’s murder. Now, the superficial particulars are well known by now. Surely you have seen it on the news; it has made national headlines as of late, and while the murderer has not been apprehended yet, authorities report several promising leads. Now, in case you have been living under a rock for the last week, I will describe to you the well known facts as they are presently known by the general public. Subsequent to this, I will report the finer, more horrible details as I have come to know them through various interviews and eavesdropping that I have conducted lately.
The particulars are as follows: Joseph Egan was found dead in a hotel in Schaumburg, Illinois that morning at roughly 3am. He had numerous stab wounds over his entire body, but judging from the lack of bloodflow from many of the wounds, it was estimated that he was stabbed over 70 times after he was already dead, leading some to believe that it was done by a person that Egan knew, a person who hated him intensely. His throat was slashed, his eyes were cut out, and the fingers on his right hand were severed. It was a very gruesome scene, discovered by an unfortunate woman by the name of Mary Brown. Although she was interviewed extensively by the police, her testimony has not yet been made public. At this time, it has been rumored that she worked at the hotel as a cleaning person. However, no one has bothered to ask why a cleaning lady would be opening the door to a room at 3am. The body was autopsied and the findings were conclusive: Egan had been stabbed 86 times by an unknown sharp instrument, and then was mutilated further, using other devices. But there exists one piece of evidence that has made this even more sensationalistic, that has conspired to make this into a national, perhaps even an international story: on the wall directly above the bed he was found in were scrawled the words CPK, YOU ARE NEXT. I AM COMING, SAYETH THE ASS PICKER. This message apparently written in Egan’s blood by his killer has shocked the nation.
Much effort has been made to find out who or what the initials C.P.K. refer to. The leading theory at this time is that it refers to the California Pizza Kitchen, but no one can figure out why this fine establishment should come under the murderous rage of this lunatic. Other efforts have been made, especially by counter-terrorist units and international assassin profilers in the CIA and FBI, to find out who this Ass Picker is. Of course, the results of that inquiry have not yet been made public. However, using my resources and tapping several contacts within the Department of Homeland Security, I have ascertained that the Ass Picker is unknown by his real name, but he has signed his name to several very high profile assassinations in the last ten years. He has scrawled his name in blood on the body of several high ranking officials in the nations of Burma, Zambia, and Italy. He is thought to be one of the most elusive assassins at the present time, deadlier than the dreaded Carlos.
Additionally, it is thought that he is an American citizen. The reason for this is because certain underground reports have described a meeting between the Ass Picker and members of Al-Qaeda. The muslim extremists have reportedly tried to hire him to commit assassinations in the United States and Britain, and during that meeting, the Ass Picker killed three of the terrorists and told the other one to run “your ass back to Bin Ladin and tell him I don’t work for evil shit like you.”
Some reports have the Ass Picker as a black man, about 6 foot 3 or 4, weighing about 210 lbs, and rather muscular. And always carrying an ice pick in a sheath at this belt. This was all that the informant could tell me.
However, I was able to track down the woman who discovered the body, Mary Brown. I went to her home and was immediately invited in. Basically, what she told me was that she had known of Egan under a screen name that he used, “Kibuttfucker” on a certain website devoted to bashing and smearing a local Chicago columnist. She had posted quite a few times to this blog, and was generally well-received and respected by most of the male community that regularly visited the site. However, she had had great trouble over Egan. He had posted under various aliases and expressed a desire to rape another poster’s 7 year old triplets, had said that he liked the way certain parts of Mary’s body looked when she played golf (this suggested that Egan had probably stalked her), and shortly before his death, he had gotten the nasty habit of being racially offensive to some of the other regulars.
When I asked her how she had come upon his body, this is what she told me. “It was the weirdest thing,” she said, looking at me with wide eyes. “I got a phone call from a guy, a really deep voice, at about 2am that morning, saying he had kidnapped my dog!”
“Your dog,” I said.
“Yes,” she replied, nodding ferociously. “And so I immediately got up and looked around for Smuckers, but he was gone! It was the strangest thing!”
I asked her what she did next. “Well, I got back on the phone and just asked them, ‘what do you want?’. "
They told me to go to the Hampton Inn in Schaumburg, and to open room 115 with a key that was in my mailbox, and that Smuckers would be there. So I hurriedly pulled on my clothes to cover up my incredibly hot body and rushed over there.”
At this, I would have though her rather vain, but she did have a rather hot body indeed. So, she rushes over to the hotel and finds Egan’s body. And her dog? The poor thing had been drugged and was sleeping contentedly in her attic. The next morning he went nuts barking and was let out. However, it is not known how or why someone broke into her home in the middle of the night and went through this whole production to get her to find the body at that particular time. One would assume that it would eventually be found anyway.
One official believes that the Ass Picker is a very meticulous man, a perfectionist, and he wanted the words in blood fresh and red when they were found. Had they been left for days, it would have been rather brown and rusty-colored, and not the vibrant red that would photograph better. This seems reasonable. When I asked Mary Brown if she suspected any particular individual on the phone, she said she didn’t know. But that the man used a certain familiar word, but she couldn’t place it. I asked her what the word was, and she said with a puzzled look, “Well, he called me a douchebag.” Wondering aloud, she added, “Now, where have I heard that before, recently?” In speaking with other various witnesses, I didn’t gather much more than what I have told you.
But one name that kept coming up was one T. Briggs. I didn’t know who it was until I got a call from him one evening, while I was eating dinner with my wife. It was a heavy, strong voice. And he said something that made chills run up my spine.
He said, “Mr. Anderson, this is Tyrone Briggs. I hope that lasagna you’re eating is tasty.” I turned my head to look out the window, but saw nothing in the shadows. “Who is this,” I demanded.
All he said was, “Leave it alone, Mr. Anderson. If you don’t, he will have the Ass Picker come for you next.”
I was dumbfounded.
“Who is ‘he’? Who are we talking about?”
He laughed and said, “He is the one who has come from the light to the dark. He is one who has finally let the hate envelope him.” And then he hung up.
I must admit that freaked me out. I officially got off the story. The thought of someone named the Ass Picker, sent by some powerful person with unlimited reach, coming after my family, is enough to scare me straight.
But I have this one nagging thought: After reviewing all the facts that I have, there are two possibilities for the identity of the one who sent the Ass Picker. One clue is the use of the word “Douchebag.” That was really only used by the one of the creators of the blog that Egan frequented. The other, the description of someone going to the dark side. I don’t know who that could possibly be, but I’m not going to find out any further. I’m done. And I knew I said that there were lessons to be learned from this, but there really aren’t any. I just said that to hook you into reading this whole thing.
But one lesson that I have learned is this: Stay away from the Ass Picker.
And CPK, whoever you are, be afraid. Be very afraid.