8/18/2006

The Strange Death of Joseph Egan
by William Anderson
As you are probably aware, Joseph Egan of Franklin Park died recently.
It is not truthful to say that he will be missed, but his death does give us a reason to reflect on our own lives, and to question ourselves what we are doing with the days we have left. In examining the peculiar circumstances of his rather timely demise, we can draw lessons from it and enrich our own existence.
So, to further that cause, I have taken it upon myself to use my investigative powers and resources in order to present you, dear reader, with a factual and hopefully thought-inspiring account of Joseph Egan’s murder. Now, the superficial particulars are well known by now. Surely you have seen it on the news; it has made national headlines as of late, and while the murderer has not been apprehended yet, authorities report several promising leads. Now, in case you have been living under a rock for the last week, I will describe to you the well known facts as they are presently known by the general public. Subsequent to this, I will report the finer, more horrible details as I have come to know them through various interviews and eavesdropping that I have conducted lately.
The particulars are as follows: Joseph Egan was found dead in a hotel in Schaumburg, Illinois that morning at roughly 3am. He had numerous stab wounds over his entire body, but judging from the lack of bloodflow from many of the wounds, it was estimated that he was stabbed over 70 times after he was already dead, leading some to believe that it was done by a person that Egan knew, a person who hated him intensely. His throat was slashed, his eyes were cut out, and the fingers on his right hand were severed. It was a very gruesome scene, discovered by an unfortunate woman by the name of Mary Brown. Although she was interviewed extensively by the police, her testimony has not yet been made public. At this time, it has been rumored that she worked at the hotel as a cleaning person. However, no one has bothered to ask why a cleaning lady would be opening the door to a room at 3am. The body was autopsied and the findings were conclusive: Egan had been stabbed 86 times by an unknown sharp instrument, and then was mutilated further, using other devices. But there exists one piece of evidence that has made this even more sensationalistic, that has conspired to make this into a national, perhaps even an international story: on the wall directly above the bed he was found in were scrawled the words CPK, YOU ARE NEXT. I AM COMING, SAYETH THE ASS PICKER. This message apparently written in Egan’s blood by his killer has shocked the nation.
Much effort has been made to find out who or what the initials C.P.K. refer to. The leading theory at this time is that it refers to the California Pizza Kitchen, but no one can figure out why this fine establishment should come under the murderous rage of this lunatic. Other efforts have been made, especially by counter-terrorist units and international assassin profilers in the CIA and FBI, to find out who this Ass Picker is. Of course, the results of that inquiry have not yet been made public. However, using my resources and tapping several contacts within the Department of Homeland Security, I have ascertained that the Ass Picker is unknown by his real name, but he has signed his name to several very high profile assassinations in the last ten years. He has scrawled his name in blood on the body of several high ranking officials in the nations of Burma, Zambia, and Italy. He is thought to be one of the most elusive assassins at the present time, deadlier than the dreaded Carlos.
Additionally, it is thought that he is an American citizen. The reason for this is because certain underground reports have described a meeting between the Ass Picker and members of Al-Qaeda. The muslim extremists have reportedly tried to hire him to commit assassinations in the United States and Britain, and during that meeting, the Ass Picker killed three of the terrorists and told the other one to run “your ass back to Bin Ladin and tell him I don’t work for evil shit like you.”
Some reports have the Ass Picker as a black man, about 6 foot 3 or 4, weighing about 210 lbs, and rather muscular. And always carrying an ice pick in a sheath at this belt. This was all that the informant could tell me.
However, I was able to track down the woman who discovered the body, Mary Brown. I went to her home and was immediately invited in. Basically, what she told me was that she had known of Egan under a screen name that he used, “Kibuttfucker” on a certain website devoted to bashing and smearing a local Chicago columnist. She had posted quite a few times to this blog, and was generally well-received and respected by most of the male community that regularly visited the site. However, she had had great trouble over Egan. He had posted under various aliases and expressed a desire to rape another poster’s 7 year old triplets, had said that he liked the way certain parts of Mary’s body looked when she played golf (this suggested that Egan had probably stalked her), and shortly before his death, he had gotten the nasty habit of being racially offensive to some of the other regulars.
When I asked her how she had come upon his body, this is what she told me. “It was the weirdest thing,” she said, looking at me with wide eyes. “I got a phone call from a guy, a really deep voice, at about 2am that morning, saying he had kidnapped my dog!”
“Your dog,” I said.
“Yes,” she replied, nodding ferociously. “And so I immediately got up and looked around for Smuckers, but he was gone! It was the strangest thing!”
I asked her what she did next. “Well, I got back on the phone and just asked them, ‘what do you want?’. "
They told me to go to the Hampton Inn in Schaumburg, and to open room 115 with a key that was in my mailbox, and that Smuckers would be there. So I hurriedly pulled on my clothes to cover up my incredibly hot body and rushed over there.”
At this, I would have though her rather vain, but she did have a rather hot body indeed. So, she rushes over to the hotel and finds Egan’s body. And her dog? The poor thing had been drugged and was sleeping contentedly in her attic. The next morning he went nuts barking and was let out. However, it is not known how or why someone broke into her home in the middle of the night and went through this whole production to get her to find the body at that particular time. One would assume that it would eventually be found anyway.
One official believes that the Ass Picker is a very meticulous man, a perfectionist, and he wanted the words in blood fresh and red when they were found. Had they been left for days, it would have been rather brown and rusty-colored, and not the vibrant red that would photograph better. This seems reasonable. When I asked Mary Brown if she suspected any particular individual on the phone, she said she didn’t know. But that the man used a certain familiar word, but she couldn’t place it. I asked her what the word was, and she said with a puzzled look, “Well, he called me a douchebag.” Wondering aloud, she added, “Now, where have I heard that before, recently?” In speaking with other various witnesses, I didn’t gather much more than what I have told you.
But one name that kept coming up was one T. Briggs. I didn’t know who it was until I got a call from him one evening, while I was eating dinner with my wife. It was a heavy, strong voice. And he said something that made chills run up my spine.
He said, “Mr. Anderson, this is Tyrone Briggs. I hope that lasagna you’re eating is tasty.” I turned my head to look out the window, but saw nothing in the shadows. “Who is this,” I demanded.
All he said was, “Leave it alone, Mr. Anderson. If you don’t, he will have the Ass Picker come for you next.”
I was dumbfounded.
“Who is ‘he’? Who are we talking about?”
He laughed and said, “He is the one who has come from the light to the dark. He is one who has finally let the hate envelope him.” And then he hung up.
I must admit that freaked me out. I officially got off the story. The thought of someone named the Ass Picker, sent by some powerful person with unlimited reach, coming after my family, is enough to scare me straight.
But I have this one nagging thought: After reviewing all the facts that I have, there are two possibilities for the identity of the one who sent the Ass Picker. One clue is the use of the word “Douchebag.” That was really only used by the one of the creators of the blog that Egan frequented. The other, the description of someone going to the dark side. I don’t know who that could possibly be, but I’m not going to find out any further. I’m done. And I knew I said that there were lessons to be learned from this, but there really aren’t any. I just said that to hook you into reading this whole thing.
But one lesson that I have learned is this: Stay away from the Ass Picker.
And CPK, whoever you are, be afraid. Be very afraid.

40 Comments:

Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

Sweet!

2:09 PM  
Blogger MARYB said...

Awesome!

2:14 PM  
Blogger Eric Turunen said...

Classic

2:44 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy Kool said...

Hilarious!

2:59 PM  
Blogger jamel bryant said...

I know where this is going but hell I got a good sense of humor so run with it Keith. I did call you 'Sandy Vagina Boy' and tried to post it on Jaythejoke but I think Pat is censoring me or too lazy to post it. Just be careful about the 'boy' thing. I ain't you're boy and never will be. I hold my own thanks!
By the way Sandy Vagina Boy was going to be a great complement to you as everyone loves beaches and where there beaches theres sand. And all 'men' like vaginas so you're loved again, and the boy thing was to make sure people like Joe also admired and loved you too. Anyway, have fun 'picking on me' eventhough I still think 'Ass Picker' is a lame dumb name.
Peace.
Don't get me wrong this is some of the funniest shit I have ever read and diffinately keep it up. Good job Keith.

4:33 PM  
Blogger jamel bryant said...

In a hope that Matt or Pat actually check out you're blog how pissed off are other people getting about the comment moderator? Keith, I don't want to ruin you're blog by stating this but something needs to be done. This was one of the first good posts that Matt and Pat have put out in a long time,yet, the censor shit makes it so fucking boring.
Does anyone else agree with me or would they rather suffer through this then have Joe post. What's worse?
Seriously, I don't know how many posts you guys submitted that hasn't gotten posted yet but that last post about apples and oranges is as gay as Mariotti himself.
Any one else have any thoughts?
Keith if you want you can delete this- it's your blog and I respect that. Keep up the good work.

4:45 PM  
Blogger NY-Ex Chicagoan said...

Jamel, I’m not going to delete anyone’s comments. Anyone can post whatever the hell they want on here whenever the hell they want. Now, it’s not me trying to be better than Jaybird or anything like that, I just hate the moderation shit, too. I’ve just posted another complaint against it towards Jaybird, who knows if he will post it or not. But I agree. It’s very fucked up

5:14 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

Hey, do you guys think that Miner pussy will actually post a response to me?

5:41 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

And if they want to moderate over there, at least get the damn comments up faster so momentum can build on the thread.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

You guys are really going to hate me for this but I'm gonna fess up because I was just too goddamn curious.

I went over to Egan's blog. It hasn't been updated since Wednesday.

That coincides with Miner's Chicago Reader bullshit article that quoted me and NY-EX.

Then Jaybird gets all moderator militant with the comments.

No posts from Egan since then.

Something's up and Jaybird is not talking.

My gut feeling is that those pricks said something about his dad.

Any comments?

5:44 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

Haha. I gotta split screen now for both blogs.

NY-Ex and myself just posted at jay but not Jamel. He can get kind of crazy at times but his posts were never really anywhere near as hateful or viscious as mine or NY-Ex's at times.

Somethings up.

5:47 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

We'll see what he says.

Pat,

I do not care if you post this or not. Because it is something for you and Matt to consider over the weekend.

But realize that your moderating is a little heavy handed and even worse are the time delays that are irritating many posters.

If you keep this up indefinitely, pretty soon the only posters will be myself, NY-Ex and maybe Maryb, Angelus and a couple other infrequent posters.

If Jamel never posted here again, I would not blame him. He can get a little crazy but he was never as viscious as either NY-Ex or myself during the "Egan Wars". And I'm sure NY-Ex can handle whatever Jamel was posting (if that was the problem).

Think it over. It is your blog. By the way, your post today was the best yet. However realize a lot of comments that could have really contributed to the blog were probably never posted because of these tactics.

Have a good weekend.

5:55 PM  
Blogger jamel bryant said...

Whuz up. I awoke from my fucking coma, saw that two posts have been 'approved' by faggot Matt and Pat and come over here. I didn't say shit about Pat's dad. This is what I wrote- goes something like this. Have you ever seen the south park where Cartman proves he can shove food up his ass and shit out his mouth? While I said that's kind of what Mariotti does when it comes to his column. After an ass pounding from pro-Mariotti faggots (Peterson goes first, tags in Leslie, followed up with Joe all while Miners tickles his balls) his asshole is now large enough to shove other sports journalist columns up his ass. After a few hours of playing patty cake his digestive system kicks in, he runs over to his desk and shit literally comes out of his mouth onto some paper producing his column for the day. Submits it and vola it's published. Now the weird part comes into play when Keith and others read his article while taking a shit, wipe they're ass with it, and they're shit combines with Mariotti's shit. The new combo shit get's thrown into the sewyer and all hell breaks lose as Keith's shit kicks the shit out of Mariotti's shit. Something like that but much better. Somehow I think I tied something in with Ebert and wrote about sandy vagina. Oh well, I guess it's not blog worthy. I'm not writing shit until the moderator stuff is off. I'll copy and paste this in to Pat just for the fuck of it. Thanks for sticking up for me but Matt and Pat can go fuck themselves. They wrecked they're own creation- maybe that's what they want?

7:00 PM  
Blogger NY-Ex Chicagoan said...

Hey, Jamel, I remember reading something about me wiping my ass with Mariotti's shit, or whatever you wrote. I DID read it. Maybe he deleted it??

Anyway, guys, I went to Egan's blog, too. If you see the first comment on his latest post for Wednesday, 8/16, you'll see what I wrote to him.

I don't know what's going on, but I've about had it.

And Tyrone, I dont' think the fucker Miner is going to write back. He's a pussy.

8:44 PM  
Blogger jamel bryant said...

I guess my post did get submitted but to an old thread. They're fucking up the blog so bad and it's so slow I don't know what the hell is going on. Fuck this, I'm not waiting around to see if i'm poster worthing for those two 'faggots'. Matt and Pat have purposely destroyed they're blog. I hate to yell conspiracy but this all seems too convenient with the whole Miners article, you and Tyrones quote, moderating crap, disappearance of Joe, etc etc. I just refuse to have to submit what I write and wait for it's approval. Matt and Pat appear to be getting a little "Mariottish" for my liking. Go fuck yourselves Matt and Pat you're turning into what you hate.

9:40 PM  
Blogger NY-Ex Chicagoan said...

well, you guys are all welcome to post here..if you want, you can even read his shit that he posts every morning and then head here, i don't care..but i don't think they are doing it on purpose...they just don't know what else to do. They're afraid Egan will come back. Anyway, I'm sure it's temporary. With enough bitching and/or boycotting, they'll be back to normal in a day or two, I'm sure.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

Hey NY-Ex - Do you really think Joe Egan ever existed or was that David Peterson?

I mean its no cooincidence that his blog dies the same day as Miner's article which subsequently is also the same day Matt and Pat impose uber-moderation mode?

7:16 AM  
Blogger Tyrone Briggs said...

Its gonna take them all goddamn weekend to post the comments so here's my morning 2 cents:

Certainly, he won't make more impact on humanity than Nelson Mandela and Gandhi, the wild projection of his late father.

Mariotti is such a fucking prick at so many different levels its frightening.

First of all, Mariotti is a stellar 4-4 on consecutive golf columns.

That means he has not bothered to even cover any sports topics on the last 4 days.

And now he is picking on Woods and his dad.

That I take fucking exception.

Do you know how many goddamn kids out there (Me? - I was lucky. My dad gave a shit about me and my 2 brothers unlike most dads with their kids in our 'hood.) in the City that grew up without a dad?

Golf bullshit aside, at least Tiger's dad was there for him every step of his life.

And as you pointed out, Woods has a pretty good life (jealous that brother made it bigger & better than you douchebag?), largely thanks to his mom and dad.

Jesus fucking Christ Mariotti, the guy just lost his father. Have no shame or conscience when you write this shit?

So why fucking pick on him you worthless bastard?

Christ, you sent your retard Miner/Peterson legion of assholes after jaythejoke for commenting about your own dad, Geno.

I mean, somewhere within that carcass of yours has to reside a soft spot for your family? I mean, we have to assume that without Geno in your life, you would have sunk even lower (somewhere to the equivalent of Jeffrey Dahmer, Gacy or Cabbage Patch Kid), right?

Fucking layoff the sarcastic comments about his dad. Or is there a motivating jealousy factor that you cannot stand about Woods and his late dad. Care to share the scoop with us douchebag?

7:49 AM  
Blogger jamel bryant said...

I'm also going to double post. Maybe we should switch to this blog and talk. Works for me

What the fuck is with mariotti's new column today. None of it makes any fucking sense. Keith, this has to seal the deal for you. What the fuck does Certainly, he won't make more impact on humanity than Nelson Mandela and Gandhi, the wild projection of his late father. even mean? Is Mariotti that much of an asshole that he's sunk to a new low and has started insulting the late Earl Woods? This shows once and for all how much of a fucking pathetic dickhead Mariotti truly is. The only material Mariotti produces is negativity and filth- 'pure shit' as I like to call it- hence proving even more how I believe he produces his columns. Tiger's dad has been there from day one and as far as I'm concerned raised a hell of a great young man and champion. This statement isn't even warranted in the article, Mariotti just throws it in there? And for what? Did Mariotti have a bad childhood? Does he secretly dislike his Dad? What purpose those the wild projection of his late father even serve? Here's a quote straight from Earl's mouth in an interview from Golf Digest. I never treated Tiger like a kid. I treated Tiger as an equal. We transcended the parent-child relationship and became best friends a long time ago. . Yeah Mariotti- sounds like a real bad father to me. Go fuck yourself.
The rest of the column gets worse as he goes wishy washy for another few paragraphs. He first starts off sucking Tiger's dick only to switch to fucking him up to ass to go back to sucking his dick. Tiger shouldn't have said that, he should apologize, but if there are camera's in Tiger's face all the time and you shouldn't get upset at him- rabble rabble rabble- Mariotti is that fucking pathetic that he can't even write about what's happening in GOLF he has to write about how Tiger conducts himself on the golf course. Does he write about the Championship? NO. Does he write about the leaderboard? NO. Does he write about Tiger's opponents? NO. What about the condition of the course? NO. Instead we get a column that has nothing to do with the sport itself. He insults Tiger's dad, goes back and forth loving and insulting Tiger, talks about how Tiger might have given the 'jack off' symbol, finishes up with how Tiger cuses now and then, and wraps it up. What the fuck is this? A 5th grader could have done a better job covering the Championship than this shit? This all just continues to prove that Mariotti knows nothing about the game of golf, shouldn't be there, and more importantly shouldn't attempt to cover and write about it?
Please Keith please- I'm begging you now. Mariotti has in one day insulted a recently deceased man and wrote about a possible jack off siting? If this doesn't prove Mariotti is a hack nothing will. Mariotti should be fucking ashamed of himself after writing this column. Hey Mariotti- yeah you!!!. Get on you're fucking hands and knees and if Tiger tells you to suck harder you better do it after pulling this shit! Who the fuck are you to go insult his dad? And to make things worse you write that Tiger should apologize if he inadvertently did a 'jack off' motion? You purposely insulted his dead father! You are a pure bastard Mariotti. I hope you burn in hell!

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